Thursday, January 7, 2010

The "Lack of Love" Exit Interview

So, we have talked about the mini-break up before and what Love Kudos recommends. However, we know that is not how most people operate in the dating arena. So, what would you say to someone you briefly dated who asked you for an honest answer why it didn't work out?

Many long term relationships end after much arguing and there’s no debate why the relationship is over. One party may not want it to end, but he or she knows why it just isn't working anymore. Even with the ending of short-term relationships, both parties pretty much know why (one is too busy, no chemistry, value differences, you name it). What about the relationship that has just begun, seems to be progressing, but has an expiration date that only one party is privy to. Poof! It's over without any blatant warning signs. Has this happened to you?

This blog is a collection of thoughts and ideas from Sally, a guest blogger and Lauren K. of  Love Kudos.

Sally met this guy online (Jake*) and they had great banter chemistry instantly. While she liked him, she wasn’t quite convinced that he was dating material. Plus, she wasn’t really that physically attracted to him. Regardless, they went on a few casual dates; hung out at his place, got drinks, and went to see a local band. These dates were several weeks apart and Sally continued to date other guys as well during that time. Nothing really happened between them, which made her even more convinced that they were destined to just be buddies. Jake even invited her to hang out with his friends a time or two. They were both busy, but still managed to speak with each other every week or so, even if they weren’t going to hang out.

A personal account from Sally ...
So, I finally went over to his place to watch a show that he had DVR’d for me. I brought beer and we hung out, as usual. Well, this time we made out and sparks flew! No sex, but a great make-out session. My ambivalence about my attraction to him changed and I was definitely attracted to him. He had a fantastic body, was a great kisser, and was even better with his hands! With that make-out session, I began to think that we had the BIG MO (momentum). I imagined that we’d talk more often and have deeper, more intimate discussions. I envisioned us spending more time together, going hiking, to the movies… things that couples do. Maybe even talking on the phone more than once a week. With our chemistry, I just knew that the BIG MO would lead to the BIG O!

Well, a few days went by and I hadn’t heard from him. I thought, surely he must have had a great time too and must be really busy. So, I sent him a text saying that I had been sick. He only sent a text back saying that he was sorry to hear that I was sick. No call to see how I was doing, no call for another date, nothing! I still haven’t heard from him and it has been a few months. What had gone wrong? I just wanted to know why. I wasn’t that attached, so I could stand to hear that he just wasn’t interested. Maybe the sparks that flew in our make out session were only one-sided. Maybe he was dating someone else at the same time or was still hung up on an Ex. Honestly, I never saw myself with him in the long-term, but I wished that I had an exit interview. I deserved some answers.
Lauren K.does not advise texting to inform someone of your status. Example above, "I was sick last week."  If you want to reach out if you have not heard from your potential love, it is ok to text, but make it worthwhile, juicy. If you just saw an article that you think that he or she would be interested in, send them a "shared" link to it with a cute note. You can only do this if you have at least gone out a couple of times or so. If you don't hear back, assume they are not interested and move on.

Although Sally can't see the signs above that 'he was just not that into her,' as an outside observer of the situation, it seems pretty clear to me that he viewed her as a 'transition' chick. He enjoyed her company,  but didn't like her enough to call her consistently or make a real effort to take her out for a proper date. Sally was right to assume they were in the friend zone. When a guy asks a girl to hang out with his friends without taking her out to dinner or a proper date, he is not being all that respectful. Perhaps, Sally sent vibes to him that she wasn't that into him either.  Therefore, he didn't want to make the effort with someone that he viewed as temporary. Sally did say that she never really saw him as dating material. Even though they did not have sex, maybe Jake just got what he wanted and was ready to move on. Women often confuse hooking up with intimacy. A great make out session for a guy is just a prelude to sex most of the time. For women, we can actually be satisfied from just a make out session, because we can wait for what is to come next.

So, back to Sally's request for the exit interview. Well, in this particular circumstance, I think it was Sally's ego that was bruised, and she did not really have genuine feelings for him. I do not think it was absolutely necessary for Jake to give her an explanation as to why it didn't work out. However, it would have been nice and really honorable if he at least texted her or called her to let her know that he really just wanted to be friends or call her to chit chat, but just not ask her out. The "fizzle" approach would have worked really well in this situation, since they were not seeing each other all that often anyways.

Do you think Sally deserved an Exit Interview from Jake? Voltaire, Lindsay K., readers?

* Names have been changed to maintain the privacy of our bloggers and the people they date.

Written by Lauren K. and an anonymous guest blogger

Happy 2010 from LKx2! 

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