Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Mini "Break-Up": Email vs. Phone

So, you've gone on two or three dates with someone and you're really not feeling the connection. Unfortunately it is a one way attraction and you want OUT! Do not delay the inevitable just to go to another fancy restaurant, concert, or football game. There are many ways to go about letting the other person down and let them know you are not feeling the "spark."  Of course, the easiest way out of the situation is not to return future phone calls, texts, or emails. Seriously, is that how you would like to be treated?  We believe that you should be fair and honest and not keep the other person on the hook.  So, the debate email versus phone.

For the first time so far, the Love Kudos are in disagreement in how to address the mini "break-up." We define the mini "break up" as the "get out now" after having gone on two to three dates, making out may or may not have occurred, but no sleepovers. (The break up rules for dating with sleepovers do not apply here). Lindsay feels the phone is the most respectful and best method to end things with a guy or girl. You can view her suggested break-up dos and don'ts via the phone. Lauren believes that you are under no obligation to have an awkward phone conversation after going out with someone to a couple of dinners, drink dates, and / or movie dates. It is just not a match. If you have already exchanged emails, it is perfectly acceptable to end things via the online method. No personal emails exchanged, then perhaps a facebook message is ok. This is not ideal, but you get your point across and the person is not planning how to charm you on your next date. Here are some real life examples on how to "get out now" gently without offending the other person. 

Good Examples:
Email #1:  "I am sorry to say that I am just not feeling the connection between us. I really want to feel something for you, but it is just not there on my end.  I think you are a great guy, very real. I'm sure you get the line and hate hearing it again, but it's true.  You are genuine, funny, and super smart.  I just have to have that spark w/ someone and don't feel like it's there. I hope you understand."  - xxxxx (Girl to Guy)

Email #2: "Thank you so much for inviting me to this upcoming weekend's Texas-OU football game. It was so nice of you to think of me. I have to tell you something that you might already know. I started seeing someone recently and the connection I feel with that person is stronger than the one I have with you. I do not feel right continuing seeing you anymore knowing that I really like this other person. I wish you the best of luck and hope that we can keep in touch."  - 0000 (Girl to Guy)

If you are not seeing someone else, please do not say that you are. Make it clear that you do not see a future with that person at all. Do not give them false hope. If you feel only friendship for them, that is ok. There will be people out there that will crave them in a romantic way.

Email #3: "Hi Betsy.I had a really great first date with you at the botanitcal gardens and think you are an extremely bright and witty woman.  I know we have only gone out a few times, but I wanted to let you know that I really only see you as a friend. Thank you for inviting me to your cousin's wedding this weekend, but unless you are looking for a date as a friend, I would not feel right about it. Let me know." -xxxx (Guy to Girl)

Do not leave your "Get Out Now" message on their voice mail. I know you want to get it over with, but it just sucks to get a rejection message. The mini "break-up" phone conversation should be a dialogue. Don't forget this other person who you are about to let down is after all, another human being who should be treated with respect.  Telling someone over the phone is a very hard thing to do.  "Its me, not you."  or "I'm just not into you." are perfectly acceptable phrases that can be part of your conversation. Eventually, the dumpee will feel elated, because they won't have to wonder why it didn't work out. Remember it is not cool to go M.I.A..

Bad Examples:

Text #1: "Got your message last week. Been really busy and I don't have time in my schedule to date right now. You're really cool and maybe we can hook up sometime. You game?"  (Guy to Girl)

Email #4: "I am sorry that I avoided you at yesterday's kickball game. I just didn't know what to say to you. I am just not into you and feel that you would be better suited with someone that is more your size. See you at next week's practice." -XXXX- (Girl to Guy)

I am sure you are wondering what to do if the dumpee tries to convince you to go on one more date either via email or phone. Well, that is ultimately up to you whether or not to give them one more shot. Close your eyes and try to imagine that person naked, does it excite you or repulse you? If it excites you, now imagine being trapped in an elevator with that person for three hours, clothes fully on, are you still turned on? If you answered "yes" to both of those questions, perhaps you are a commitment phobe and you need to give person X one more shot. If you answered "no" to either of those questions, then you have made the right decision and you both need to move on.

Well, we would love to hear from our readers. Comment below. Do you agree with Lindsay, Lauren, or have your own way of handling the mini "break-up" ? You can also e-mail us directly: Love Kudos. (Please specify if the information in your email is public or private.)

- Love Kudos LKx2 -

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