Case Study #2: Dinner for Sex ? I don't think so

I know that we promised you a blog on top 5 first date places for a variety of cities, but that will have to wait a few days. This dating story was too good to pass up.

A Personal Account from Lindsay K. of the Love Kudos Duo

I decided to respond to the guy who emailed, "So what's your idea of a good first date? Ever attend a cooking class? Want to?" I actually thought that was a creative beginning to an online correspondence.

A little background on Trevor: 37 year old white male, 5'8", claims to be physically fit, 

is a computer programmer, financially comfortable, and professes an interest in cooking.

In my first phone conversation with Trevor* I noticed myself not really listening to what he was saying.  He was going into great detail about a business idea that I had no interest in.  He then goes on to tell me that  cooking classes are really fun, since you get to watch the chef make food and they pair the food with wine.  I was totally sold on the idea. We decided that I should do the due diligence and choose a cooking class.  To my surprise, all of the cooking classes were over $65 per person. I didn't want to presume he was paying for it either, since it was a bit expensive per person. I emailed him my hesitancy about the cost and asked if he wanted to do something less expensive and he responded, "Cooking class works for me. Just pick one of them and I'll take care of it, just this once."  I picked out a Saturday evening class that was $70 per person. (Lauren K.does not advise booking first dates on a Saturday night for the obvious reason that if it doesn't work out, you have blown a weekend night.)

Unfortunately, I became ill with the flu on Wednesday and called him on Thursday night to tell him I needed to cancel.  I asked if he would be able to get a refund or credit.  He responded that they needed three days in advance to cancel, but that he would look into it.  It was a very short and awkward conversation.

On the following Tuesday, he sends me a short email asking if I was feeling better. (He didn't mention the cooking class.)  I wondered why he didn't just call me and ask how I was.  I really thought we were beyond e-mailing since he did have my number and we had already talked before.  I responded in kind to his question, "Hey there, got your email. Thanks, I am feeling better."

Surprisingly, he actually calls me later that night, doesn't leave a message, but I see I have a missed call.  I return his call and he is AGAIN very short on the phone.  He says it is good timing, because he just left the gym.  He asks me to dinner and suggests Friday night at 7pm.  I pick an Italian restaurant in the Domain, North, since it's in the middle of where we both live.  He said he was fine with that.  He then excuses himself saying he needs to eat.  The call was not even 5 minutes long. I was not exactly excited to go out with him at this point, but I was still trying to be open.

Around 9:30 pm later than night I get a text,

Trevor:  Sorry if I was short with you tonight, just really busy.

Me: No problem. Tomorrow I will call North and make reservations for Friday.

The next day, around 1:30 I get this text from Trevor: Is McCormick & Schmidt's out of your budget?  I always wanted to go there.

Now let's discuss this issue.  He's now implying that we go dutch for dinner.  He was willing to pay for the cooking class, what has changed? (Note: Proper dating etiquette is that the guy should pay for the first date and the girl should offer to pay her half. Hence, the check dance. A proper gentleman can allow her to pay for the tip, but that's it.) In the back of my mind I hear my dad's voice, "THE GUY BUYS!"

Me:  Did you ever get a refund or credit from the cooking class?

Trevor: I ended up going with a friend.

Trevor: I would buy you dinner, but then you'd have to sleep with me ;)

Me:  I really don't appreciate your backhanded remark about paying and then topping it off with your sex remark.  You can go to McCormick by yourself.  Thanks for making it easy. Done!

Trevor: I was totally kidding

Trevor: I guess joking around like that should have waited until you had gotten to know me better so you'd have known I wasn't being serious ;( sorry

Trevor: Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

I am already really annoyed and on edge with this guy. I get the fact that he was just joking, but I'm still fuming and don't feel I should go on a date with him with this feeling in the back of my head.

So readers, I need your help, how should I respond? Write in with comments or e-mail us directly.

- Lindsay K.  from the Love Kudos Duo LKx2-
 Edited by Lauren K. 

 
* - Name has been changed to protect the person's privacy and anonymity.  

Next Blog: Top 5 First Date Spots in Austin, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas, Chicago, and New York  (Please write in your suggestions)  

Subscribe to Love Online Help ... Update Profiles and More by Email
or mailto:lovekudos@gmail.com

Protocol for Online Dating Post Break Up

When you break up with someone that you met on an online dating site, it is best to be clear about your future dating intentions. If you say you don’t want to be in a relationship, it is probably not the best move for you to update your profile and start logging in to a dating site within 24 hours after you have said your final goodbyes. Here is an account from a guy who was a victim to this type of treatment.

Ginny: well, I am just curious, and I want complete honesty, why do you go on Jdate all the time if you are not looking for a relationship right now? It seems a little contradictory.
Austin : it's fun to look, i guess.
Ginny: I go on, because I am looking for a relationship.
Austin : I was too until i got my heart broken... if you really wanna know
Ginny: I am sorry. I really thought she was a complete bitch from what you told me.
Ginny: Plus, she took advantage of you.
Austin: who knows-- and now she is back on JDate after telling me she wants to be alone
Austin: guess there is something wrong with me or something
Ginny: no, a lot of people do that and I think it is unethical. Don't say that you want to be alone or are in a new relationship and then put your profile back up the next day. you will get caught.
Ginny: it is better to say that you weren't the right fit than to lie.
Austin: I agree, but I don’t want to contact her again to tell her how I feel. It will look pathetic.

I know it is tough to be honest when you are parting ways, but unless you are moving across the country and have no intention of trying online dating again, let the other person know that you might go back on when the time is right.

What is considered cheating in the online dating world 

If you are in a committed relationship, and sign up to write to other women or men on a dating site, that is considered cheating.  This is not only my opinion, but 8 out of 10 women I spoke with agreed that initiating contact with new women is grounds for cheating and a sign that they want out of the relationship. Men are not the only ones guilty of this sly, clandestine method of cheating. When women are not getting their emotional needs met in their current relationship, they frequently turn to other males to seek solace and comfort. With the easy access to the internet and the anonymity associated with it, women are liberating their right to contact men first.  

-Written by Lauren K. of the Love Kudos Duo -

Next Blog: Top 5 First Date Spots in Austin, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas, Chicago, and New York  (Please write in your suggestions)

Subscribe to Love Online Help ... Update Profiles and More by Email
or mailto:lovekudos@gmail.com

Online Dating Sites Comparison Shopping and More

-Online Dating Tips from Lauren K. of the Love Kudos Duo-

So, you've made the decision to join the online dating community, but you are not sure which site or sites to sign up for. Here are a couple of links to help make this comparison shopping process a little easier.

Remember, online dating should just be another avenue for you to meet your potential "the one." Do not rely on a dating site to meet your soulmate. Stay busy with your outside interests, send the feelers out to friends that you are looking around, use social networking sites, and always look your best in the most obscure places or situations. I know it is tempting to go to the grocery store in pajamas and your hair unkempt, but resist the urge.

Some factors to consider before you check out the comparison dating links:

1) The single most important factor is selection. Make sure that the site you choose has a database of prospects with the qualities you are looking for. For example, if you are Jewish, and religion is a dealbreaker for you, Jdate.com is a must. I personally have three very close friends that met their wife, fiancée, or husband on this site. 

Of course, I have been a Jdate subscriber on and off for the past few years and have met numerous boyfriends and unacceptable candidates through it.

Also, make sure that there are a number of people to choose from in your local area. Long-distance is doable, but wouldn't it be wise to try to look in the area first. Match.com adds approximately 60K new users everyday.

2) It is ok to try sites out. Check out their introductory rates and trial periods. Don't get sucked into purchasing a 6 month package on your first online dating attempt.

3) Don't limit your online dating search to a small age or height range. If you are a 25 year old male, don't be afraid to look at women that are a few years senior to you, and visa-versa. Ladies, if you are 5'0, try to be open to men who are 5'5. They are still taller than you, even with heels. If you do not want kids, stick to your guns and do not choose people that definitely want children or already have them. You can eliminate some heartbreak if you are true to your needs and desires from the start. 

4) If you want to be in complete control of who you can write to, eliminate sites like chemistry.com and eharmony.com. These sites are famous for playing matchmaker.

5) Less expensive is not necessarily the best route to take with online dating. Quality, quality, quality! This is crucial.

6) If you decide to take the plunge and join the online dating community, do not be discouraged by a bad date or two. It is a learning process. I recommend people meet only after exchanging photos or talking on the phone at least once.

Dating Comparison Sites:

Online Dating: Reviews from Consumer Search

Review Online Dating Services from Online-Dating-Zone.com
Compare, review, and join the leading online dating services. Find promotional offers, get online dating advice, and more at Online-Dating-Zone.com

-Written by: Lauren K. of  the Love Kudos Duo-

Subscribe to Love Online Help ... Update Profiles and More by Email

or mailto:lovekudos@gmail.com

Case Study #1....The Schlotzsky's Incident

A Personal Account from Lindsay K. of the Love Kudos Duo

After a little hesitancy, I agree to accept a date from the late bloomer college student, Dillion*. We met on Match.com, which I actually endorse as a pretty good dating site. We e-mail back and forth for a couple of weeks, and talk on the phone once before making our first date. The first blaring red flag was when he suggested to meet at the location of a Schlotzsky's Deli for dinner.  I wasn't sure if he was only suggesting a place to meet or if he actually wanted to have dinner there.  We live about 20 minutes from each other, so we wanted a  halfway meeting point. (I was ok with that). We end up meeting at a HEB gas station and decide to eat at Red Robin.  For those of you who are not familiar with the Red Robin chain, it is the equivalent of a Chili's level dining establishment. Definitely adequate for a first date place, but not a very creative option in my opinion. I have to remind myself that he is still a student. I am a little taken back by his flashy neon yellow corvette. I know it is a stereotype, but since he is from Texas, I expected him to roll up in a Ford pick up truck with supped up wheels.

When we officially meet, I am not really concentrating on what he is saying, but what he is wearing. He is a complete frat boy; college hat, college t-shirt, and class ring. He is proud of his college, but it is a bit of an over kill for me, since I have been out of college for almost 10 years. In spite of his wardrobe choice, I decide to give him a chance. In a strange way, I am attracted to him. Surprisingly, he actually looks like the guy from the pictures in his profile. Relief there. The conversation flows and he actually appears to be interested in what I have to say. For example, he asks me about my interests, and when I respond, "Actually, I am pretty boring," he says, "That is not boring at all. It is what you do and that makes it interesting to me." After dinner, we decide to go to the movies. I am sorry, but I don't actually remember who suggested that idea. I am thinking, how am I supposed to get to know him better if we are watching a movie for two hours?  By this time, I had mentally decided he did not make the cut for my soulmate, but he did not grate on my nerves, so I said, "Yes," to the movie. 

Since he paid for dinner, I offer to pick up the movie tickets, but he insists on paying. He says, "I will get it this time and you can pay next time."  Little did he know, there wouldn't be a next time. I do commend him for paying for the 1st date even with his limited income as a student. The date ends with a big hug and he asks me to do something on the following day.  My response was "maybe." (Lauren says that the responses "maybe" or "sure" with any hesitancy, are really big "NO's" done in a nicer way.) You have to read body language. I sort of shrug my shoulders when I utter the words, "maybe," and then look up in the sky. At the time, I thought I would maybe give him another chance. In the car ride home though, I realize I don't have a real desire to see him again. I just wasn't feeling a romantic connection.

The power of first impressions has been researched and concluded that these snap judgments influence your behavior.  There's a saying, that within 10 minutes you'll know what kind of a relationship you want with that a person.  And I knew I wasn't interested in him romantically about 15 minutes into dinner.  He did nothing wrong, it just wasn't a match.

THE FOLLOW UP: Things go from "ok" to "bad" fast. Dillion calls me a couple times on Saturday and  texts me on Sunday.  I actually answer his phone call on his second attempt and tell him I am too busy with work stuff to hang out.  Sunday I feel compelled to send him the dump text. 

Verbatim I text him: " I think you are a really nice guy and treated me great, but I didn't feel a romantic connection.  Hope you  understand."

Now hold on for his response.  I know he wanted to save face, but this is a little much. Five minutes later, I get this text from him:

Dillion: "Yeah, same here. I just wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship with you."

His response just proved to me that my quick judgment was accurate. He is an immature college student, that really is not capable of having a relationship. Next ...

- Lindsay K. and Lauren K. from the Love Kudos Duo LKx2-
 
* - Name has been changed to protect the person's privacy and anonymity.

Subscribe to Love Online Help ... Update Profiles and More by Email
or  mailto:lovekudos@gmail.com

The Mini "Break-Up": Email vs. Phone

So, you've gone on two or three dates with someone and you're really not feeling the connection. Unfortunately it is a one way attraction and you want OUT! Do not delay the inevitable just to go to another fancy restaurant, concert, or football game. There are many ways to go about letting the other person down and let them know you are not feeling the "spark."  Of course, the easiest way out of the situation is not to return future phone calls, texts, or emails. Seriously, is that how you would like to be treated?  We believe that you should be fair and honest and not keep the other person on the hook.  So, the debate email versus phone.

For the first time so far, the Love Kudos are in disagreement in how to address the mini "break-up." We define the mini "break up" as the "get out now" after having gone on two to three dates, making out may or may not have occurred, but no sleepovers. (The break up rules for dating with sleepovers do not apply here). Lindsay feels the phone is the most respectful and best method to end things with a guy or girl. You can view her suggested break-up dos and don'ts via the phone. Lauren believes that you are under no obligation to have an awkward phone conversation after going out with someone to a couple of dinners, drink dates, and / or movie dates. It is just not a match. If you have already exchanged emails, it is perfectly acceptable to end things via the online method. No personal emails exchanged, then perhaps a facebook message is ok. This is not ideal, but you get your point across and the person is not planning how to charm you on your next date. Here are some real life examples on how to "get out now" gently without offending the other person. 


Good Examples:
Email #1:  "I am sorry to say that I am just not feeling the connection between us. I really want to feel something for you, but it is just not there on my end.  I think you are a great guy, very real. I'm sure you get the line and hate hearing it again, but it's true.  You are genuine, funny, and super smart.  I just have to have that spark w/ someone and don't feel like it's there. I hope you understand."  - xxxxx (Girl to Guy)

Email #2: "Thank you so much for inviting me to this upcoming weekend's Texas-OU football game. It was so nice of you to think of me. I have to tell you something that you might already know. I started seeing someone recently and the connection I feel with that person is stronger than the one I have with you. I do not feel right continuing seeing you anymore knowing that I really like this other person. I wish you the best of luck and hope that we can keep in touch."  - 0000 (Girl to Guy)

If you are not seeing someone else, please do not say that you are. Make it clear that you do not see a future with that person at all. Do not give them false hope. If you feel only friendship for them, that is ok. There will be people out there that will crave them in a romantic way.

Email #3: "Hi Betsy.I had a really great first date with you at the botanitcal gardens and think you are an extremely bright and witty woman.  I know we have only gone out a few times, but I wanted to let you know that I really only see you as a friend. Thank you for inviting me to your cousin's wedding this weekend, but unless you are looking for a date as a friend, I would not feel right about it. Let me know." -xxxx (Guy to Girl)

Phone:
Do not leave your "Get Out Now" message on their voice mail. I know you want to get it over with, but it just sucks to get a rejection message. The mini "break-up" phone conversation should be a dialogue. Don't forget this other person who you are about to let down is after all, another human being who should be treated with respect.  Telling someone over the phone is a very hard thing to do.  "Its me, not you."  or "I'm just not into you." are perfectly acceptable phrases that can be part of your conversation. Eventually, the dumpee will feel elated, because they won't have to wonder why it didn't work out. Remember it is not cool to go M.I.A..

Bad Examples:

Text #1: "Got your message last week. Been really busy and I don't have time in my schedule to date right now. You're really cool and maybe we can hook up sometime. You game?"  (Guy to Girl)

Email #4: "I am sorry that I avoided you at yesterday's kickball game. I just didn't know what to say to you. I am just not into you and feel that you would be better suited with someone that is more your size. See you at next week's practice." -XXXX- (Girl to Guy)

I am sure you are wondering what to do if the dumpee tries to convince you to go on one more date either via email or phone. Well, that is ultimately up to you whether or not to give them one more shot. Close your eyes and try to imagine that person naked, does it excite you or repulse you? If it excites you, now imagine being trapped in an elevator with that person for three hours, clothes fully on, are you still turned on? If you answered "yes" to both of those questions, perhaps you are a commitment phobe and you need to give person X one more shot. If you answered "no" to either of those questions, then you have made the right decision and you both need to move on.

Well, we would love to hear from our readers. Comment below. Do you agree with Lindsay, Lauren, or have your own way of handling the mini "break-up" ? You can also e-mail us directly: Love Kudos. (Please specify if the information in your email is public or private.)

- Love Kudos LKx2 -

The first email: Rules of Engagement.

As a client and expert in the online dating field, I often cringe at the site of some of the introductory e-mails I receive from guys. Sometimes, I am pleasantly surprised. Some true life examples are below:

"Hi,  I saw your profile and thought I'd drop a note to say hello.  I would like to know more about you. Would you like to talk sometime?"  

"OMG, your pics are killin me! ;)"

"So what's your idea of a good first date? Ever attend a cooking class? Want to?"

"Hey, how are you? You are beautiul." (misspelling beautiful, come on!)

"You have amazing breasts.  Me likee!" (This one really did happen. I can't make this stuff up.)


So, you have to guess which emails received a response, which prospects will get a first date and which ones got ignored.

Texting to Arrange a First Date ? NO, NO, NO

Dating Tip #1: Don't text to arrange a first date

So, you have e-mailed back and forth with your perspective online love interest a couple of times and you want to take things off-line, but you are debating whether or not to text her to meet you for a drink or coffee ... Don't do it. If she gives you her number, 9 times out of 10, she wants you to actually call her and have a conversation with her before she agrees to meet you out for a date. This call can make you or break you, but more often it will seal the deal. If you leave a message and you don't hear back for a couple of days, it is perfectly acceptable to text her to let her know that you called and see when a good time would be for you to connect. If she has a heart and is remotely interested, she will most definitely respond within 24 hours to your 2nd attempt. It is borderline stalkerish to text or call an online love interest a 3rd time or facebook friend them if you have not heard back from them. Remember, there are so many single men and women out there that you don't have to obsess over one person.

-Love Kudos- LKx2

LK Service Options --------- Help awaits you!

30 Min Consult ($5) First time only!

Update Profile ($65)

Photo Session ($55) *unlimited pictures

Dating Etiquette Consult (1 hr)

2 Options

In person $75.00 Over the phone $65.00

Check Out!

Say Cheese!

Share the LOVE this holiday season and purchase a profile update for a family member or friend that may just need a little love coaching. Give the gift of "LOVE."

 

Subscribe to Love Online Help ... Update Profiles and More by Email

or

mailto:lovekudos@gmail.com