Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Case Study #2: Dinner for Sex ? I don't think so

I know that we promised you a blog on top 5 first date places for a variety of cities, but that will have to wait a few days. This dating story was too good to pass up.

A Personal Account from Lindsay K. of the Love Kudos Duo

I decided to respond to the guy who emailed, "So what's your idea of a good first date? Ever attend a cooking class? Want to?" I actually thought that was a creative beginning to an online correspondence.

A little background on Trevor: 37 year old white male, 5'8", claims to be physically fit, 
is a computer programmer, financially comfortable, and professes an interest in cooking.

In my first phone conversation with Trevor* I noticed myself not really listening to what he was saying.  He was going into great detail about a business idea that I had no interest in.  He then goes on to tell me that  cooking classes are really fun, since you get to watch the chef make food and they pair the food with wine.  I was totally sold on the idea. We decided that I should do the due diligence and choose a cooking class.  To my surprise, all of the cooking classes were over $65 per person. I didn't want to presume he was paying for it either, since it was a bit expensive per person. I emailed him my hesitancy about the cost and asked if he wanted to do something less expensive and he responded, "Cooking class works for me. Just pick one of them and I'll take care of it, just this once."  I picked out a Saturday evening class that was $70 per person. (Lauren K.does not advise booking first dates on a Saturday night for the obvious reason that if it doesn't work out, you have blown a weekend night.)

Unfortunately, I became ill with the flu on Wednesday and called him on Thursday night to tell him I needed to cancel.  I asked if he would be able to get a refund or credit.  He responded that they needed three days in advance to cancel, but that he would look into it.  It was a very short and awkward conversation.

On the following Tuesday, he sends me a short email asking if I was feeling better. (He didn't mention the cooking class.)  I wondered why he didn't just call me and ask how I was.  I really thought we were beyond e-mailing since he did have my number and we had already talked before.  I responded in kind to his question, "Hey there, got your email. Thanks, I am feeling better."

Surprisingly, he actually calls me later that night, doesn't leave a message, but I see I have a missed call.  I return his call and he is AGAIN very short on the phone.  He says it is good timing, because he just left the gym.  He asks me to dinner and suggests Friday night at 7pm.  I pick an Italian restaurant in the Domain, North, since it's in the middle of where we both live.  He said he was fine with that.  He then excuses himself saying he needs to eat.  The call was not even 5 minutes long. I was not exactly excited to go out with him at this point, but I was still trying to be open.

Around 9:30 pm later than night I get a text,
Trevor:  Sorry if I was short with you tonight, just really busy.
Me: No problem. Tomorrow I will call North and make reservations for Friday.

The next day, around 1:30 I get this text from Trevor: Is McCormick & Schmidt's out of your budget?  I always wanted to go there.

Now let's discuss this issue.  He's now implying that we go dutch for dinner.  He was willing to pay for the cooking class, what has changed? (Note: Proper dating etiquette is that the guy should pay for the first date and the girl should offer to pay her half. Hence, the check dance. A proper gentleman can allow her to pay for the tip, but that's it.) In the back of my mind I hear my dad's voice, "THE GUY BUYS!"

Me:  Did you ever get a refund or credit from the cooking class?
Trevor: I ended up going with a friend.
Trevor: I would buy you dinner, but then you'd have to sleep with me ;)
Me:  I really don't appreciate your backhanded remark about paying and then topping it off with your sex remark.  You can go to McCormick by yourself.  Thanks for making it easy. Done!

Trevor: I was totally kidding
Trevor: I guess joking around like that should have waited until you had gotten to know me better so you'd have known I wasn't being serious ;( sorry
Trevor: Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

I am already really annoyed and on edge with this guy. I get the fact that he was just joking, but I'm still fuming and don't feel I should go on a date with him with this feeling in the back of my head.

So readers, I need your help, how should I respond? Write in with comments or e-mail us directly.

- Lindsay K.  from the Love Kudos Duo LKx2-
 Edited by Lauren K. 
* - Name has been changed to protect the person's privacy and anonymity.  

Next Blog: Top 5 First Date Spots in Austin, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas, Chicago, and New York  (Please write in your suggestions)  

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Anonymous said...

I think you should go on a casual first date. Maybe he's just a little awkward. Hugh Grant is always awkward in all those romantic comedies yet he always winds up being the perfect mate! If you go on a casual lunch or something all you've given up is a lunch hour you probably would have just spent at Thundercloud wondering if you should give this guy a chance

Anonymous said...

i say "when in doubt, do without!" you are having some feelings of apprehension, so listen to that. he sounds like he wasn't raised well....

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a douche bag. Guy should always pay on the first date--that should be a red flag right there.

Kevin Blanchard said...

I know I'm late in replying to this but thought I'd give my 2 cents to the post. :-)
It's hard to say. You two got off to a rocky start but I like the idea of stepping back to a casual date first. You don't know him well enough to know if his joke was just a joke or if he was testing the water to see if you are "that kind of girl". I'm usually a big fan of giving the other person the benifit of the doubt at least for a few dates until you get a feel of their personality. We have ALL had that moment early in dating where we make a joke or comment then all of a sudden the other person doesn't take it like you expected and you have that moment of "OMG they totally are going to think I'm a...". Sometimes it isn't a big deal and other times the person takes it poorly and you never have another date. Keep in mind while you may have negative feelings toward the situation from miscommunication he probably is in the same boat. He didn't offer to pay dutch until AFTER you canceled the cooking date. Prior to you canceling he was more than happy to pay $140 for you two to have the cooking date. You can't blame him for being a little gun shy about dinner after the cooking lessons. It's not your fault for being sick and having to cancel but try putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It's CRITICAL in the early stages of dating. You know you were sick but he doesnt. For all he knows you canceeled on him becuase you had a date with someone else that night. It wouldn't be the first time someone made an excuse to get out of a date. People do it all the time. He doesn't know you were really sick any more then you know if he was joking about wanting sex. He's not a mind reader and you two don't know each other well enough to have that level of trust that you can just take each other's word. He could still be a jerk but I see no reason to get frustrated with him yet or to judge him so early with so little information. Again, put yourself in his shoes. You wouldn't want him judeging you or drawing conclutions about your character for canceling your first and very expensive first date.

I say go on a casual date and get to know each other. It sounds like you two are sufforing from miscommunication and a lot of assumptions. These are probably giving him the wrong idea (though I only know the story from your side) but obviously it has caused you to not be as interested in him, and be annoyed at his actions and you may be giving up on a guy who's worth it. Heck, he was willing to drop $140 on a first date, that means he either likes to throw money around or was willing to take a shot on girl he thought might be a good match. I say try the casual date and try to get to know each other.

Anonymous said...

First of all, that guy sounds like a total tool box so I think you made the right call.

However, your expectation that a guy pays on the first date is downright frustrating. Why is the burden on a man to provide the means for a first date? As a man, I think its super classy for a girl to offer to pay, I wouldn't let them mind you but the offer means they don't just see you as a meal ticket...Not a good way IMHO to start a true partnership which is what I am looking for.

I have a strict "never buy a girl a drink" rule. This has lead to some awkward moments where I am hanging out and a girl approaches and starts a conversation that ultimately ends with, "so are you going to buy me a drink?" I know so many woman who just go out and assume guys will buy them drinks or dinner because there is this expectation that blogs like yours put out there as acceptable behavior.

If you like a guy, trust me, you offering to buy him a beer will go miles more than not talking about your pets.

Just my two cents. Great job on the site.

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