Thursday, August 5, 2010

Affection Deception - A case study in Love Karma

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

We’ve all had those dates, where you keep looking at your watch and wish the date could be over.  How long do I have to stay with this person until it's not rude to excuse myself and the date can be finally over?   But what if you have a great date with someone and you think there's a connection, but NO FOLLOW-UP?  Lauren K. blogged about her similar situation in Amazing Date But No Follow-up. Unfortunately, now it is my turn to tell my tale.

In hindsight, after writing this blog, he must have been looking at his watch and indiscriminately waiting for the date to be over.  On the other hand, I was really enjoying myself and was a little annoyed when I didn’t receive a follow-up anything! 

There are those rules out there to play hard to get and be a challenge, but for some reason that went completely out the door and out of my mind.  This was over 10 years ago, so the memories have faded. He was an EMT studying to become a firefighter, a nice guy with a perfect smile and Richard Gere eyes.  There was some comfort that this guy and I had mutual friends in common and a hippie in his own right. During the date he was very affectionate or was I the one holding his hand? That’s where my head gets twisted; I don’t understand where things went wrong.  Details are left out for you readers, but leaving the date I initially and honestly thought it was mutually great date and the start of something new. 

To be honest, he never said he would call me later or made comments to do something together in the future.  Before I walked out of his life, I timidly said, "Call me later."  In the back of my mind, I knew he wasn't interested and wouldn't be calling.  Secretly I wished it wasn't true.  This comes full circle to a previous blog, First Down and Two Minute Warning about how the first and last ten minutes of a date the most telling if the other person wants to see you again.

I think women are more inclined to tell guys "let's just be friends."  Since guy's roles are more about being the pursuer in the dating.  For most part, if they don't like a girl they just won't call her for a follow up date.  For the sake of this blog and my own personal sanity I emailed him and asked for feedback, good or bad. His response was promising as he called me the next day and left a message (see below,) but again was no follow-up.  He gave me false hope instead of just letting me down.  I assume he just wanted to seem like a nice guy and didn't want to hurt my feeling.


It's okay to let a girl down if you are not feeling it.  You are not a bad guy.  What makes you a jerk is saying nice things and not following up on your word!

Here's a letter I would like to send, but never will. 


Dear *Insert name of girl/guy who never called you back,
I finally get it.  The romantic connection wasn’t there.  It’s very confusing.  Your silence is speaking a thousand words. You told me you "had a fabulous time" (which we did) and "I am a great guy/girl," (which I am) but you didn’t ask to see me again.

Why not say that all of that and follow it with any of the following:

But “I wasn’t feeling a connection.” 
But “I don’t want a girl/boyfriend right now.”
But "I am in love with another person."
But “I have girl/boyfriend in another state.”
But "You look too much like my ex-girl/mother."
But "I am not good enough for you."
But "I am terminally ill and have only a month to live."
But "I have crabs." 
But "I am gay."

To Summarize:  
"No one likes rejection, but we hate being in that gray area between affection and rejection. Honesty is the best policy" comments Shelley, a follower and close friend of Love Kudos.

Going forward, I request, no I demand you to tell, text, or email that other person you are not feeling it and let them move on with their search for love.  Do onto others as you would like to be treated.

Love Kudos calls this Love Karma!

Need help from Love Kudos,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

From a guys perspective, I can honestly say that every dating experience has been different and unique. One recent experience stands out in my mind and is applicable to this segment of Love Kudos. I went on a date with a girl I met through mutual friends. Going into the date I did not have any expectations. The date started off as all dates do with a few awkward moments, getting to know each other, small talk. As the night progressed it seemed obvious that a strong connection was developing between us, without much effort. After that great date I definitely thought about when and how to call her for another date. Ironically, at that time I was not ready to start a new relationship, so I decided not to call her. The attraction was there during our date. However, as time passed I was preoccupied with other issues and just did not pursue the relationship. I believe the feelings and the memory of that date no longer felt the same. That connection no longer existed for me. Therefore, as time went on I just did not feel the need to call her.

I can see why it would be hard waiting for that other person to give you feedback about their feelings. Look at it this way, if a relationship is meant to be it is meant to be, and the two of you would be together. If he did not call then it is just not meant to be.

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