Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Part II of Text Break Up: Hold off on the Kisses for a Bit

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

After going from everyday communication with D-Master,* he withdrew after I left for my trip to NY. Technically, he withdrew after he had fixed everything in my apartment. He even fibbed with me about his hourly rate for his labor during our last date. I really did not think I was on a labor contract.
Here is how he ended our relationship via text. It was a slow, painful death, which lasted a full five days. In girl time, it felt like at least a month. I do want to preface that I am not entirely innocent in why the relationship ended. However, I was fully prepared to take ownership for my part.

(If you have not read Part 1, click here first).


Me: Did you see, 50% off kayak and canoes today with living social deal? I would like to go kayaking with you this Saturday or Sunday morning if you will trust me on the water. I know you have done a few of my activities, now it is my turn to reciprocate. How r ya today? Miss your kisses.

D-Master: Kayaking sounds good.

Me: and kisses?

D-Master: I think we should hold off on the kisses for a bit.

Me: Call me later. I knew there was something up. You have been a bit distant since you spent the night. I know that you have feelings for me, so I am not sure what is going on here. What r u afraid   of?               

D-Master: Not afraid, just think we moved a little fast. There have been a few things that have concerned me a bit.

Me: K. So, then we don't eliminate the romantic aspect of us altogether. I am ok with taking a step back too and not getting intimate again until we are sure that we are a good match for the long run. However, I think communication is so important and sending a one line text of I think we should hold off on the kisses for a bit is really vague and leaves a lot to wonder about.

D-Master: We can talk about it later tonight.

Me: K. Call me tonight. I hope I was not just a conquest to you, because I do think we have potential and I am sorry if I did not thank you enough for how helpful you have been in my life. I may be social and a flirt, but I am only intimate with one person at a time. K?

He never calls. I decide to try to get closure and find out what really is going on, so I call him two days after his above text. No response.

He does find the time to write an impersonal comment to one of my pictures on Facebook.

24 Hours Later:

D-Master: I am not a coward. Trying to decide how I feel about things. This week has been rough at work on top of everything else.

Me: I am hurt. Your lack of contact this week speaks volumes about how you feel. I really thought you were a kind person. I am with my dad at dinner. If you would like to talk about things, which I would, you can call me after 11. I will be alone then. Sorry things are tough at work.

Hours later

D-Master: Out with friends. I am not in the right mental state to respond to this. Pub crawling.

(Pub crawling, really? Was he intentionally trying to hurt me by telling me pub crawling was more important than talking about the demise of our relationship?)
Next day I respond:

Me: I am not a car you can put on hold and decide if you like it enough to purchase it. I am a human. Not sure what type of mental state you think you have to be to call me.
Hours later

D-Master: Not going too in depth. I would say with future guys you date...offer to pay for a meal from time to time. Don't talk about your other prospects while on a date, and when a guy fixes half your place, don't tell him he should have brought flowers.

(He came to my place late, and texted on the way there, "Running late, I am a jack-a..". I responded via text with, "No problem, as long as you bring flowers." Clearly he did not see the humor there.)
Me: You are by far the biggest a-hole I have ever dated. I paid for plenty of things over the course of dating you. From drinks to B scene to crepes. I even cooked you dinner. You really have no class. I really had poor judgment with you.

Me: Bringing flowers was a half joke. It is appropriate to bring wine or flowers to someone's house when they cook you dinner. If that dig made you feel bad, I apologize for that. I am definitely not the right girl for you if you think your behavior this week was ok. I did not deserve that.

Three hours later

D-Master: Biggest ? Really? Then you have dated some amazing guys if I was the worst.


Similar to the first and last ten minutes of a date being the most crucial to determining your dating future, so are the first and last words of correspondence with that person. I see him as the biggest a-hole, not for how he behaved during our dating period, but how he behaved in the bitter end. He was not obligated to be with me if he did not think we had a future, but he should have had the decency to let me know face-to-face or via phone his doubts about us. We could have moved past them or not. Instead, he will forever be infamous for being the biggest a-hole in breaking up. He has officially been erased from my life. I even enacted my defriend feature for the second time ever.

Ladies and men, texting may be the norm for most communications, but for breaking up, use the phone or do it face-to-face. Breaking up should be a dialogue and not a one way message sent.

Do you have a break up story that you would like to share?

* - Code name short for Douche Master to keep the anonymity of the party involved. This is a true case study written by Lauren K.

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** - Kayaking picture from
** - Break up picture from

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lauren, Thanks for airing your real feelings and experiences on this blog. In a way, having the written correspondence and being able to post it accurately gives the reader the context and intent between the two of you so we can get an unbiased impression of the conversation.
Based on what you wrote, there is a big issue lying underneath the conversation that was not addressed. Relationships can be jeopardized by passive aggressive comments that are not addressed and discussed openly. His comment about his "hourly rate" was a hint to you that he felt resentful about your "honey do" list and it might have been either too much for him at that time or too early in the relationship. It was wrong of him to make a passive aggressive comment like that rather than discuss it, and with that kind of attitude it may be necessary for you to notice those comments and stop to have the conversation.
Your comment about "bring flowers" is likewise a passive aggressive comment. It might be thought of as funny but there is truth to the joke. You were upset that he came late and tried to diffuse it with humor. If it is important to you that he be on time or tell you ahead of time he will be late, it is worth having the conversation. He wrongly misinterpreted your comment and walked in the door without having the discussion about his lateness which led to passive agressive anger from the start. While angry he proceeded to help you out at home which made him increasingly resentful and more angry.
Communications skills are one of the most important aspects of a lasting relationship. These skills are learned and not taught and it can be a very challenging experience to create a healthy communication dynamic between two people. Both of you can learn from this experience and try to remember that if the issue is important to you it should be discussed openly and honestly rather than try to suppress the emotions and pretend it didn't happen.
All that said, he should have had the breakup conversation with you. He should have had the courage to tell you what caused the breakup in person. It's obvious from the conversation that he doesn't have those skills or that courage and his passive aggressive nature may keep him from ever having a long lasting relationship.

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