Tuesday, August 10, 2010

52 Things Lizzy Lynn has learned from Love, Dating & Sex

Written by guest blogger Lizzie Lynne*, 

Edited by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

The following excerpt was written with an unfiltered hand by a 30 year old female when she couldn't sleep one night!


  1. Holding my hand in public will get you an extra special bonus when we get home.  Holding my hand and putting your arm around me in front of my friends will get you an extra special bonus on the way home.
  2. First kiss in the rain = me never forgetting you.
  3. Other people watching can be okay. Your dog/cat/bird/hamster is just creepy.
  4. No one can cuddle all night long, but if we happen to wake up tangled together we may as well have amazing wake up sex.
  5. Most of the time I want to be the big spoon.

  6. No matter how much you love having your mother around, if she is on your bank account, cooks all of your meals, does your laundry, and/or makes just your half of the bed, there will never be sex between us (or just assume any woman) again.
  7. A text message after three weeks of silence …after 10pm …on a week night is not you just saying “Hi” and checking on me.
  8. Threesomes involving two girls and one guy are not going to end well for at least one of us. Threesomes with two guys and one girl on the other hand will always end extra sticky for at least one of us.
  9. Sex is okay if we are at work.  Bonus points if at least one of us is still on the clock.
  10. It’s never okay to have sex in your Mother’s bed. If you even hint at sex in my Mother’s bed you will be mocked on Facebook with a guaranty that the only action you see is from yourself.
  11. Playing the right music can enhance any experience.  Always ending on the same song lessens the quality of my excitement.
  12. If you take control and make me feel as though you just cannot help yourself, I will forget the word no.
  13. I see you looking at the hot girl walking by our table because I am also looking at the hot girl walking by our table. If you manage to get us both drunk enough it is possible get us all in bed together.
  14. Sex in public = hot. Sex in snow = cold.
  15. Pulling my hair is okay … just not at the roots. If you accidentally break my necklace while pulling on my hair, you must replace it …. Even if I say you don’t have to.
  16. Don’t spank mid game, it's a distraction.
  17. If you tickle, be prepared for a punch to the face!
  18. After six months together, if you forget my birthday, I forget your name.
  19. No, I do not want to check your email, look through your phone, or be updated to your every move.  However if you refuse access, I’m going to think you are hiding something.
  20. Sometimes I want you to order for me, but if you automatically order for yourself before me, and/or any of the females at the table, you are paying the tab.
  21. If you do not wait to see me safely to my car (especially at night) I may just find myself driving directly to the next guy's house.
  22. I’ve been unable to say no to any man kneeling before me with a ring. Hence, I have been unable to say anything but no after the ring is on my finger.
  23. If your sister goes off to do independent films that no one is allowed to see and her biggest self proclaimed accomplishment in life is paying for her own boob job, don’t try and convince me she is not working in the porn industry.
  24. If you take the time to cook me dinner, it will always be the best meal I’ve ever had.
  25. Sometimes I just miss someone’s smell.
  26. I know you fart. You may as well know that every now and again, I do too.
  27. Most men really do not care if you shaved your legs that morning, if sex is involved.
  28. I’ve tried my first name with the last name of just about every guy I’ve dated, even though I’m keeping my name.
  29. I will never tell you how many guys I have slept with though I secretly want to know how many girls you have slept with. If the number is too high I may sleep with you but I wouldn’t date you. If the number is too low I will want to corrupt you.
  30. If you ask if the carpet matches the drapes, then you will never know, for you will never get to see for yourself if I am telling the truth.
  31. I don’t expect you to read my mind but I do expect you to read what I say. Though it’s a guaranty that the puzzle pieces will be mixed in with the monopoly trinkets and no one will ever know who killed what in which room.
  32. If your last girlfriend was ugly, dumb, or questionable, I will take it personally.
  33. I’m the girl right before the one you marry … sometimes the one right after … a couple times the one during.
  34. If I can’t sleep and neither can you, we may as well fool around.
  35. I don't mind you to taking me to the movies. If you hold my hand between the opening and the end credits I will consider it a sign of commitment.
  36. I do judge you by your underwear. Whitey tighties I will never take seriously.
  37. If you didn’t like The Notebook we have no future together. If you liked anything else by Nicolas Sparks I will assume you are a homosexual.
  38. If the only position we have done in a couple of weeks is doggy style you are now on the level of the electric in my toothbrush, fabric sheets, or chilled beer glasses – nice to have but not necessary.
  39. My sex life started as complicated and I’ve kept it that way for almost fifteen years.
  40. If we go from you contacting me every day to not hearing from you for over a week, I am going play with the next shiny toy.
  41. I will always keep any mix tapes given. Mix CDs will be destroyed once the relationship is over.
  42. I’ve faked the big O with every single guy I’ve been with … except Kevin Henry.
  43. A very hot “getting it on with the cable guy” moment will be ruined once it’s discovered he is wearing a thong.
  44. If I allow my partner to go without his raincoat it does not mean I love him. It just means that I know, should it be needed, he could afford the child support payments.
  45. If a guy can play piano, he’s now the sexiest man in the room.
  46. I can be friends with a person I’ve slept with and/or dated once the romance has ended. Though my friendships with the ex's are only as strong/deep as I have a need for them to be.
  47. There are exactly two guys that I have slept with whose last names I didn’t know till after the deed was done. Betsy was one of them.
  48. I don’t trust the guys who date me and claim they do not like large breasts.
  49. My soul mate is a homosexual male.
  50. Spur of the moment anal sex is just not advisable 99.9% of the time. Neither is sex in the lake, after a large meal, with the mother-in-law visiting, or in a barn when there is a kitten on the prowl.
  51. If he says he wants you to have his baby what he’s really saying is he wants to steal anything of value from your apartment and clear out your bank/savings accounts while you are at work.
  52. Six chicken nuggets = necking on the sofa with some boob action. Dinner at Chili's = 10 minutes of foreplay before a pre-slumber quickie. Multiple drinks and dinner = a few more things than your last girlfriend allowed. Half a bottle of rum & a private showing of The Phantom of the Opera = letter to penthouse action. Weekend away = getting pissed on?!
Lizzie Lynne* is a pen name.

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      1 comment:

      Anonymous said...

      That's hilarious! One thing is very telling- LL wants to be the big spoon. Hmmm...

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