Thursday, April 15, 2010

"Heed That Warning" (Dating and Relationships)

Written by Lucian Rivers, a Guest Blogger for Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

Most people have been there. You meet a stunningly attractive person. The conversation is easy as you play off each other, taking turns flashing eyes at one another, you lose track of time, and next thing you know, you are engaged in a possible “love connection.” The lights ahead are green, the anticipation stacks. You stop just shy of declaring your love, but your eyes tell the story.

And then the bottom drops out: for every ounce of readiness to settle down that suddenly courses your veins, he has the same vigor --- only channeled in the opposite direction.

This can happen for innumerable reasons. You could be dealing with a cat fresh off a bad relationship, a person who is ‘too busy for love,’ or someone that has a major fear of abandonment. Or worse yet, fate’s estranged brother may be watching you from a distance, delighting at his having hand-fed you to a lion/lioness. Regardless of your path, you’re here, so do what you ought to do if you get lost in the woods: take a seat, gather yourself, and acknowledge that it’s really not as bad as it seems. Ultimately, you are in charge of your fate.

Among the greatest responsibilities one single person shares with himself and those in his life is honesty. In cases as mentioned above, I was in no way ready to delve back into any commitment beyond watching the NBA Playoffs. I expressed it clearly at the onset, and never wavered. So was I in the wrong to answer her calls and sometimes even initiate contact to see her? I say ‘no’.

As posed in a previous submission to this blog, this scenario reflects many of the dynamics found in the Hooker/Hookee relationship, and I would admit it is an extension of such relationship.

This may surprise many of the player types out there that think they need to feed lines and dangle the relationship carrot to get women into bed, but in my experience, women have appreciated my honesty. Women have been so astounded by my blunt disclosure that I was dating several other ladies, followed by a frankly (and if need be, coldly) orated desire to keep the status quo --- that what follows more often than not is tantamount to an obedient “yes sir”. But why this compliance, if this is ultimately not what they really want?

Before you internet-stalk and subsequently dismember me, it bears noting that this applies to men and women alike. I know because I have seen it, first hand.

A competitive drive within human nature is deeply ingrained at an early age. It turns out that success is fun, being good is actually great, and there is simply no reason to segregate this feeling from any arena of life. This feeling loves to party and, for most, leaps seamlessly from the world of true competition into the realm of romance. This intoxicant -- this thrill of being the best -- was at the rave that night when all those emotions, desires and impulses got hammered and realized that they really wanted someone they couldn’t have.

Unfortunately, the stars fail to align on queue for us when we really want them to – or at least it seems that way. Is the idea of ‘The One That Got Away’ legit, or was it just never meant to be? Many of us believe that we drive our own destiny, so ‘The One’ getting away can be pretty tough to take lying down.

Let’s look at a modern-day example. Freshly single after two plus years of a “relationship” that was really more like a drawn-out case of Stockholm Syndrome, I meet a bad ass chick --- let’s call her Devin. I met Devin while she was struggling to open the door with a hand full of groceries. Next thing you know, we are having coffee, which later turns into drinks and so on. We had an immediate connection. I thought, “This is the coolest girl ever, a hell of a saleswoman or both.” But something was missing -- on my end, not hers. I’m not really emotionally progressing with her past those initial few hang-outs. I am blessed with complete freedom of schedule, activity, and desire; and I really like it. Early on, I explain that I don’t have the emotional resources to be in any level of a committed relationship (“right now” was softly implied). I keep everything at an arm’s length, scheduling minimal meet-ups or as she calls them “dates,” no more than once a week. We keep waking up together the morning after them though. She plays the cool girl card, and does not seek exclusivity until the lack of inhibition kicks in. On a couple of recent occasions, she has been overserved and called me out as to my intentions with her. So I re-assert my position, and when she asks me if I am seeing other women, I very candidly answer, “Yes.”

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We live in the land of free will. Once your love interest has declared his honest intention, the decision to proceed is yours at your own risk. In this case, when someone clearly expresses their desire to abstain from whatever level of commitment you seek, you have two perfectly acceptable choices: walk away, or stick around and then play by the rules of their game. Should you stay n’ play, that means you are granted these same freedoms -- enjoy them! Above all, know that true love always brushes back the thickest smokescreen in placing you and your soul mate side by side.

So whether or not you are pulling or being pulled into a premature commitment, put your foot down early --- you just may scream in thrill as a result.

Commentary from Love Kudos:

Lauren K. says, "Back in my 20's, I  tried to convert a player or two into a 'one woman' type of guy, as well as successfully forced a guy into a relationship pre-maturely. Ultimately, I ended up on the losing end. When a guy says he does not want to be in a relationship and is in play mode, 'heed the warning'. If he temporarily succumbs to commitment, due to endorphins or alcohol, and not rational thinking, he will more than likely end up pushing you away or break up with you abruptly. If you really like someone who is not ready to be in a relationship, keep in touch, date casually, and leave the physical intimacy out."

Lindsay K. says, "Sometimes girls, like guys, want the challenge of the game. Women want to be the girl he settles down with or who changes for her.  A friend of mine told me a similar situation, in which the guy she was seeing had just ended a long term relationship and told her he only interested in having fun.  She would gush to me about how she knew he was falling in love with her just by the way he was looking at her.  She did not heed the warning and he eventually broke it off a couple months later."

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Anonymous said...

I'm glad to hear that honesty, being served upfront, has been dished out. However, there are ways of being "completely honest", "brutally honest", "mostly honest", etc... that may be part of the problem. I'm not certain that the writer has been completely and brutally honest. He may be unintentinallly sending mixed signals.

Mateo said...

Enjoyed the perspective but curious if another symptom of a guy's inability to commit is because it validates his ego?

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