Friday, March 12, 2010

Are you a Hooker or a Hookee? Perhaps, you are both

The "Hooked" concept explored as seen on an episode of the TV show, "How I Met Your Mother"

Written by Guest Blogger Lucian Rivers with Commentary by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

TV Show "How I Met Your Mother"

Lauren K. introduces the "Hooker and Hookee" Concept: 
"Most of us are aware of the 'He or she is just not that into you' idea, but there is a similar construct that many of us seldom talk about in dating, because it happens to people both in and out of relationships. Have you ever devoted a lot of time and energy to a platonic, yet flirtatious relationship that you secretly hoped or believed would develop into a romantic, committed relationship? If yes, you have been on someone's 'Hook' and therefore you are a 'Hookee'. If you have innocently or intentionally led someone to believe that they are the person for you, but just not 'right now', then you have been guilty of luring someone onto your hook and are a 'Hooker'.
The episode Hooked really shows us a part of the dating world that gets overlooked. As much as it pains us to admit it, being the hookee has happened to the best of us. The hard part is actually admitting that you are indeed on a hook and then taking the necessary measures to get off the line with some dignity left intact. A major distinction from the 'He's Just Not That Into You' idea is the time frame that these relationships last and sometimes the naivety of the Hooker. The Hooker can sometimes be completely clueless that their Hookee is in love or obsessed with them. However, the Hooker is always in control of that relationship."
Whether spawned by the inability to close the door on a comfortable albeit unfulfilling relationship; a sincere romantic interest; the electrifying charge brought about by the thrill of the hunt; or simply a selfish control disorder --- we have all been the Hooker or the Hookee. I am both on the hook, and have at least four women on mine. They are on the line in one way or another.

Rivers writes that we have all dished and stomached comments along the lines of, "Look, I'm really interested in you, but [insert back-end caveats A-Z here]." Context aside, the message is the same: “you're smokin' and I'm diggin' on knowing what it's all about. I just need you to wait until I'm ready. By the way try not to get occupied elsewhere in the interim. Thanks babe.”

Most anyone who made it through adolescence can recall at least one person with whom we have been hopelessly intrigued by. Sometimes, that person felt exactly the same way. However, sometimes these storybook loves danced across the canvass of our lives in sheer divinity and ultimately trampled on our hearts. To put it more plainly for my homeboys out there, the Hooker is essentially that rival football team we all hate for thrashing our squad, administering a methodically cold-blooded, late-game drive before kneeling the ball at the one yard line to simultaneously kill the clock and leave an indelible mark on the vanquished (a.k.a. The Hookee). The harsh reality is that the Hooker doesn’t even allow the Hookee the courtesy and mercy kill of unrequited love, ignoring the plain fact that if the match were right, the obstacles would cease to exist.

My single brothers and I were born eternal optimists on every level of romantic conquest. In my earlier experience it didn’t take much to cast me as the Hookee --- a smile, eyes locking, a brush of her hand along my skin, a prolonged embrace --- all pointed arrows in the Hooker’s quiver.
A dear friend once complemented me a split second before taking a quick catnap at the bar we were frequenting, “Your years…they have made you wise…” Yet the ever-vigiliant Hookers out there never sleep; always refining their trade with the advent of late night text messaging, Facebook flirting, and the elder statesman: the drunk dial.
The Hookee is susceptible at every stop along the way, from the moment of first attraction until the death throes of a relationship. I am here to tell you this is easier on many men -- for whom 'moving on' quickly galvanizes some combination of career focus, personal betterment, a renewed social life and wildly uninhibited sex devoid of the intimacy that elevates hook ups into true lovemaking. While I hear women roar more and more every day, the facts are the facts. The average man simply finds it emotionally easier to engage in the happenstance sexual run-in.

So what is the answer? Where do the Hookees walking among us look for relief? First, it is incumbent upon the Hooker to be crystal clear. Avoid back-end qualifiers like the infamous “I can’t be with you….right now.” There are hundreds of options in the Hooker’s playbook, the practice of Hooking taking on an artistic nature for the virtuosos out there. A Hooker with his or her Masters may even simulate a relationship, spending couplish cuddle time for hours before something comes up that stops the music. Quite impressive if you ask me.

Lauren K.'s Blatant signs of a "Hookee" and "Hooker":
 
Hookee
  1. They have expressed romantic interest in you in the past and continue to offer to do extraordinarily nice things for you even though you are not "actively dating" ie; take you to the airport, do your taxes, help you move, cook you dinner after your recent break-up.
  2. They tend to withdraw from you some when you are in a relationship and do not actively try to make friends with your new beau or girlfriend. 
  3. They seem to be quite available when you call them "last minute" to hang out. (They think it is a date, you think of it as hanging out or hooking up.)
  4. When you take pictures together, they immediately post them and tag you on Facebook, Flickr, or Picasa.
  5. You are high on their list when they have a Plus 1 invite to a wedding or corporate party to attend.  
Hooker
  1. You never really tell him or her that they have "NO" chance with you ever, leaving the door slightly ajar.
  2. You say things like, "I am dating someone 'right now' or this isn't the 'right time' for a relationship." 
  3. You attend weddings with them and sometimes even flirt with them incessantly. 
  4. You do consider them a reliable, loyal friend and do take them up on their offers to move, take you to the airport, etc. 
  5. When you are feeling down on yourself, you ask them out and will occasionally hook up with them for your own selfish needs. 
  6. You sometimes forget that you made plans with them or cancel last minute when better options come up.   
Rivers states that ultimately the responsibility to let go lies in the hands of the Hookee. They are to blame for their prolonged pain. They are not at fault for lusting, longing, or even loving. They are at fault for simply not looking in the mirror. The Hookee is tasked with being strong and disciplined --- ceasing to follow the Hooker on Facebook, erasing phone numbers/emails, and in the case of a wilting long-term relationship swapping possessions quickly, among other tactics. It is cliché to say “If you love (or at least want to hook up with) something, let it go. If it returns it is your forever.” Yet we all know that there is nothing more superficially attractive than being unavailable. Try flipping the script on your Hooker sometime. As someone once said, “Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.”

Lauren K. adds, "The Hooker / Hookee relationship can occur where you least expect it. It could be an office crush that has turned into an unhealthy relationship or a high school x-boyfriend that has just never closed on the door on possibly marrying you. If you are a kind, good hearted person, resist the urge to take advantage of that person and let him or her off your hook."

*- image of football picture from Truman ISD

Who do you think is to blame, the Hooker or the Hookee?
We want to hear from you.
or  

1 comment:

plentyoffish.com said...

There's no need for a definition as long as you both like each other.

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