Thursday, February 18, 2010

Burned, Bruised, and Boooo!

Baggage!  If you have dated, fallen in love, then it's probable that you have some type of baggage from past relationships.  Hang ups?  Emotional walls? What are we supposed to do with all this stuff?

Yeah, baggage sucks, but we have to find a way to deal with it. If it's our own luggage or your perspective woman's stuff, the following are some hints into the mind of the Walking Wounded.

According to, an article reports the following top 6 red flags for a man to detect if a woman might have emotional baggage.

1- She's on an emotional roller coaster One day she's your best friend, the next she won't even speak to you; one night she's a sexual animal, the next she's as cold as January in Siberia. And all -- from your point of view -- for no apparent reason.

2- She constantly evades you With women like this, it's always one step forward and 10 steps back. She will show interest -- even extreme interest -- and then suddenly and inexplicably become unavailable. No matter what you do, no matter how often you call her, she's gone -- and you won't see her again for weeks or even months. Then out of the blue, she'll reappear with a big smile on her face, ready to go. And the whole vicious circle will start all over again, leaving you perplexed and bewildered.

3- She wants what she can't have She reacts emotionally to the hurt in her past. She has all the normal biological urges to be with a man, and genuinely wants to have a successful relationship, but the very second her emotions are aroused, the lurking demon of her buried hurt rears its ugly head and she runs away.   In her psychology, relationships equate pain. The sad fact is, the nicer you are, the faster she'll run. This is why many of the Walking Wounded seek out emotionally unavailable men.

4- She doesn't do as she says She'll tell you she loves you and wants to do everything in her power to make sure the relationship lasts. Then she'll start treating you like crap. Example, she'll tell you she's wants a commitment, then she'll cheat on you. Don't take her at her word; instead look at her actions and judge her on that instead. 

5- She's angry at men Many of the Walking Wounded are extremely angry at men. They blame us for all their problems. Men are "jerks" and "users."  When a woman's hurt is milder, she may sublimate her inner anger by gravitating toward female-dominated careers (to limit her opportunities for meeting men), or by filling up every moment of her day and night with work, classes, sports, etc.

6- She has a history of abuse Untreated victims of any kind of abuse are often emotionally unstable and harbor lots of inner pain, which manifests itself in their romantic lives. The Walking Wounded are frighteningly erratic (often through no fault of their own) -- you just never know what you're going to get. One minute they love you and the next they're picking fights or screaming at you for some imagined transgression on your part.
They are often unsoundly jealous, and will accuse you of having affairs without any evidence. Sometimes they're overly sexual, but many times they're not sexual at all, or certain sexual behaviors remind them of the abuse, making them freak out during lovemaking. These are women in dire need of professional therapy.

Is there hope?

Is there anything you can do to help a member of the Walking Wounded and establish a successful relationship? It really depends on the severity of the damage.  Lauren K. says,
"I would avoid being the rebound guy unless you just want to have a good time. It is important to really uncover how recently she ended her last relationship and if she is at peace with the outcome. Do this in a delicate manner. I can vividly remember how uneasy I was on my first date after my engagement ended when my date asked me why I parted with my X. I don't think it is about who terminated the relationship, but how the person feels about how things ended. Was there closure? Was 'trust' betrayed? If you really are into this woman, and recognize the signs that she has major baggage, don't back off completely. Give her some space and tread lightly on the emotional talks for a little while."  
Listen carefully to her when she expresses her feelings -- the Walking Wounded will often verbalize a lot of information about what's happening inside their heads. Be careful not to interrupt her with logical advice -- it's best to be a sympathetic ear.  If her case is mild, time will be your ally -- just treat her kindly and build up her wounded self-esteem. Be patient. What she needs is to learn how to trust men again.

If her case is severe, gently steer her towards getting some therapy -- the damage is sometimes very deep and there's just no other way to help her.  Love Kudos highly recommends therapy to discuss any issues that might prevent you from finding love.  Therapy offers a very safe place to talk about your feelings without any repercussions of any thoughts that might run through your head.

Bottom line: Is she worth it?

Above all, keep the intimacy at a minimum for a little while and be willing to be her friend. Give her some space and emotional breathing room. This is not to say you should turn into a wussy-boy and cater to her whims -- she might not be ready to be sexual with you yet, but she needs every ounce of your male strength and sexuality to lean on.   Make sure you don't take any abuse from her -- set those limits early on and often because she'll test you mercilessly.   Only you can decide if she's worth the time and trouble. If she is, you're probably in for a wild roller-coaster ride. But if you can help her to get her life back, there may be a great reward for your constancy and friendship. Lindsay K. says, "Only time will tell. As you get to know each other, and she begins to learn how a nice guy can treat her and what to expect from you personally, the walls will begin to come down. Consistency is a must."

Women, don't worry, we will be doing a blog on how to deal with men with emotional baggage. Stay tuned.

Edited by Lauren K. and Lindsay K. of Love Kudos



Unknown said...

"Above all, keep the intimacy at a minimum for a little while and be willing to be her friend. Give her some space and emotional breathing room."

That is excellent advice =)

Anonymous said...

The women who truly act as the ones described are crazy, bottom line. But, what the blog post fails to discuss are the women who are on the rebound (as Lauren said), just really aren't into the guy, or are insecure about the relationship and feed off of the mixed signals being sent. When men are confident, make us feel safe... See More, secure, and loved, and let us know that we can trust them, then the doubts that we feel leave. No one really wants the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, it's easier to just ride it out than it is to hit the brakes.

Anonymous said...

Many of the behaviors described are consistent with borderline personality disorder. The anger, impulsiveness, ideation/devaluation are all signs. Often guys get very emotionally involved with borderlines because they have such weak boundaries and their emotional world is on display. But then what follows is ... See Morevaggressive behavior to test the guy to see if he'll abandon them. These girls have baggage because they like their relationships exciting and destructive. These girls often end up repeating the same behavior over and over with new guys. It's not a guy's responsibility to make these girls feel whole. If a guy is even considering this, he should think about what's wrong with him. And then try to find some healthier prospects.

Anonymous said...

Good to hear you're doing a post on dealing with men with emotional baggage. I went on a date with a guy - the first meeting was great. The second date, we went to a really nice restaurant and during coffee - the fun ended, and he began to tell me all about his emotional problems, how he blames his parents for his insecurities, and basically that he thrived on getting in fights with his past girlfriend, who he wanted to marry. Suddenly, the parts about him being intelligent, interesting, and having good taste all became tainted. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt - but to no avail, I could not let go of those negative comments.

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