Saturday, April 28, 2012

Divorce Dating: Do's and Don'ts

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

There comes a time when you decide you are willing to expand your dating pool to beyond the check box of never been married.  Is it time to broaden your horizon to men or women that are divorced or maybe even widowers?  If you are dating in your thirties and forties, then you probably have come into contact with a divorced individual and/or you are a divorced person yourself.  I am a bit of a cynic about dating a divorcee because of some of my own past personal experiences of dating divorcees on the rebound.  

There are some pros and cons to dating the new man or woman back on the market. The obvious con is that he or she might be looking for just some fun after dealing with a tenuous relationship and they might be emotionally incapable of giving initially. If there are children involved, this just complicates the scenario. Although it is not ideal, the reality is that nearly half of all marriage end in divorce, and with eliminating this group, we (I) could be restricting ourselves from meeting our best matches.

Here are 7 Reasons to Date a Divorcee:
  1. Since they are in no rush to jump back into a heated romance, they might just take their time and get to know you first. Since they aren't desperate to jump in the next relationship, then they can see you if you'd make a better partner than their previous.
  2. The person will be more willing to be a partner.  Marriage forces you to learn to share of yourself and to be more sensitive to the needs of a partner in a way you never really discover when you're just dating .
  3. Divorcees draw from hard experience, which means they know when things aren't jiving and won't string you along until things get really sour. Instead, divorced daters tend toward honesty and offer up a quick goodbye. They now know what didn't work for them and what did work. 
  4. The maritally parted know a good thing when they find it, and they fight to hold onto it. They understand that little gestures have the power to keep a spark alive and they believe that making their partner feel important and special can be the difference between relationship success and failure.
  5. Dating someone who has had kids from a previous relationship presents a host of issues and challenges to deal with. There are definite upsides: you get to experience the joys and thrills of life with kids (and there are many) without actually having them. It's a lot easier than actually carrying them, birthing them and then discovering at 5 am one morning that you aren't the parenting type -- and a lot less permanent.
  6. The divorced are obviously sexually experienced and many times, the end of their previous relationship has seen a long period of celibacy, so doing it with a divorcee means a hunger for some horizontal validation.
  7. They have committed once before and statistics show that more often than not, divorcees do get married again.  Did you know that about 75% of divorced persons eventually remarry? 

7 Love Kudos Tips for the Recently Divorced:
  1. Be honest in your profile.  Lay it all out there.  If you have kids, mention them in your profile.  If you are only separated, then mention that. You could meet someone in your same situation.
  2. Be legal.  Make sure you are legally divorced or legally separated.  (Texas has no legal separation, but other states do.)  If you want to get back out there, be fair to the person you meet. Make sure you are done with the previous marriage before you start the next relationship.
  3. Give yourself time.  You might be excited to get out there and start dating again, but make sure you are really seriously ready to give your heart to someone before getting back out there.  Don't be afraid to be alone. Use the support of your friends.
  4. Date because you feel ready.  Don't simply date to wage revenge on your ex. There's not an exact time when you will be ready. Although if your clothes and your mail are still at your Ex's place, that is a sign that you are not ready. Maybe 3 months? 6 months?  Only you know.  It might be helpful to seek professional assistance (yes, therapy) to help you process this life change.
  5. Keep it light at the beginning.  Leave the ex out of the first date topics. If you bad mouth your ex or continually praise him or her, your date will definitely sense you are not ready to be dating someone else. 
  6. Clean slate. It is natural to mentally compare the new women or men in your life to your ex, but do not verbalize these comparisons with your dates.  If he or she resembles your ex physically, keep that to yourself. 
  7. If you have children, agree with your ex about how you will approach introductions of new people into their lives. Although you may be excited about your new boyfriend or girlfriend, let the relationship be steady before introducing them to your children. 
  8. Have fun. This is your new chance at finding your perfect match. 

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1 comment:

London dating said...

If a person had been divorsed more than once - run away, coz that seems like someone did. A few times.

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