Monday, December 26, 2011

10 Ways to Provoke and Exasperate a Single Person

Original article posted on by Chiara Atik 
Additional commentary by Lauren and Lindsay of Love Kudos

Many of you singletons are probably still cooped up with your families post-Christmas and Hanukkah and are probably going stir crazy. If it has not happened yet, you will probably encounter at least one relative or non-relative that wants to pry into your life and "fix" your single problem. We are here to help you with some witty comebacks to their burning questions about your personal life.

The good thing about being single is that people are usually pretty willing to talk about your romantic life, because, let's face it, it's probably more entertaining than that of your seriously coupled-up friends.  The bad news? Sometimes, people will want to talk about your love life regardless of whether or not you're in the mood to talk about it. And they will have opinions. And questions. And if you're single for long enough, a lot of these are gonna start sounding the same...

1. "Are you seeing someone? Why not?"
Atik's Answer:
Amazingly, I get this question at least once a week. At least once a week! It's fun to turn the question around to the enquirer. "Why are you in a relationship?" "Because I'm in love!" "Right, well, I'm not." End of discussion! Lindsay adds, "I was asked "why are you still single?" by a potential dater even before I met.  Does he really want that answer?" Lauren adds, "You can answer with (even if it is not true), "I am seeing a few people, but I am always open to meeting someone new. Do you have someone in mind that would be a great catch for me?"   

From Austin Blogger
2. "Have you tried online dating?"

Atik's Answer:
Online dating? What is this new fangled thing you speak of?
(Of course we're online dating!) Lauren says, "Online dating is one of the ways I have met people. It is also where I have found the most stalkers."

3. "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Atik's Answer:
The problem is, if you're single and actively looking, then you're always kind of expecting it. Lauren says, you can say things such as, "I stopped looking and actively dating, but that does not seem to satisfy my mother. She keeps setting me up with Mr. Wrong."

4. "Oh my god, can I wing for you? I am such a good wingman or wingwoman."

Atik's Response:
If you're single for long enough, you become sort of a toy, a pet project for your coupled up friends. They like to parade you out to bars and insist on winging for you, which is really just a way for them to vicariously experience the "thrill" of picking someone up at a bar. The problem is that for them, it's all about the hunt, and not at all about finding someone with whom you would actually be compatible in the long term (or even just in daylight). This means they start indiscriminately flirting with anyone in sight, ignoring the fact that you're wildly gesticulating for them to stop, drawing your finger across your throat and making gagging noises. The end result is usually a huffy ride home ("But I set it up perfectly for you! He was so into you! He was not that bad!") followed by the inevitable conclusion that you are single because you're picky and obviously impervious to even the most nuanced and skillful winging.

Lauren adds, "Sometimes your wingwoman or wingman has their own agenda or type in mind for you. I was absolutely humiliated a few years ago when I was talking to a good looking guy, and my sister went right up to us and asked him, "Are you a member of the tribe?" His response, "I think I might be part Cherokee." This was not the J tribe she was hoping for. Before I knew it, I was shuffled off to meet someone else.

5. "You need to put yourself out there more!"

Front: Sweet and Single
Atik's Answer:
Out where, exactly? [Whenever some helpful soul suggests this to me, I immediately picture myself in the middle of some crowded piazza, waving my arms around, saying "yooo-hoooo!"] Lindsay adds, "Next time I go out, I'm going to wear a sign or a t-shirt that signifies I am single and available.  The front will say something enduring about myself and the back will say an honest pitfall.  Mine would read, "I'm single and sweet." The back would say, "You'll never be good as my cat."  What would yours say? Is that putting myself out there enough?

6. "Why don't you join a group?"

Atik's Answer:
It's a common misconception for people to think you're single because you just don't have enough hobbies. Lauren adds, "This is not a bad question, but it really depends on the context it is asked in."

7. "You just need to ______."

Atik's Answer:
Flirt. Make eye-contact. Go out. Wear brighter colors. Tone it down. Talk more. Talk less. Dress sluttier. Act more grown up. Meet more people. Shave your beard. Stop talking about comic books. Stop talking about your cat. Be less self-deprecating. Be less intimidating. Let them see how awesome you are. Drink more. Don't get so drunk. Make the move. Don't shy away. Don't be so forward. Don't seem so desperate. Stand up straighter. Cut your hair. Grow out your hair. Be less picky. Be more discerning. Figure out exactly what you want. Make your profile funnier. Make your profile less goofy. Change your profile picture. Smile more. Go to bookstores. Go to coffee shops. Stop bringing up your ex. Stop talking to your ex. Stop thinking about your ex. Stop looking so hard. Stop trying so hard. Put a little more effort into it. Stop being so passive. Stop waiting for it to just happen. Be more confident. Go to grad school. Lower your expectations. Just have fun and date more. Get the rest of your life in order. Move to a smaller city. Move to a bigger city. Move to a different country. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Start making this a priority.  For some reason, people will be alarmingly frank about what they think is wrong with you as long as they say it within the context of dating.

Lindsay adds, "Yeah, that just about covers it." Lauren adds, "As my grandmother would say, "Sometimes you need to ... lie." I am not a proponent of this, but I don't think you need to be completely honest on a first date about all your vices. Sometimes, you gotta leave a little mystery.

8. "It's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship."

Atik's Answer:
Well, yesssssssss...but it's best to be in the right relationship, no? Lauren says, "However, I would rather be with an ok guy on NY's eve and Valentine's Day than solo." Although, if it is really the wrong relationship, I would want to get the hell out of it.

9. "Wow, I am so glad I never have to be single again."

Atik's Answer:
Yes. Fabulous. I am so happy for your good fortune.  Lindsay adds, "Why don't you rub in just a little more, please? And use some salt or lemon juice!  The truth is that even if this person says that, they might not be 100% happy in their own relationship.  The grass is always greener on the other side, right?" Lauren adds, "Being single has its advantages. I never have to report to anyone about my whereabouts. If I am in the mood to eat dinner at 3PM, I can, and if a hot guy on the street winks at me, I totally can wink back without feeling any guilt whatsoever. I can kiss whoever I want without too many consequences."

10. When I was your age, I already had X # of children and a house. What are you waiting for? When are you going to settledown?

Love Kudos' Answer:
As soon as I meet Mr.Wonderful, you'll be the first to know.  I just haven't met the right person. Good for you that you met your hubbie or wife early on. I know that people's checklists change as they get older, and I want to make sure that I find the right fit with someone that matches my values, supports my life aspirations, and "gets" me.

At least holidays mix well with alcohol. Just kidding. In summary, it is ok to be single and it is ok for your family and friends to want to help you with your "Love" search. Be confident in who you are and you will be better off for it. Before you can truly be happy and in a healthy relationship with someone else, it is essential to really understand and appreciate your own company's worth.

Happy Holidays to all. Best of luck out there! 


Lauren and Lindsay

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