Why Women Want to Define the Relationship

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Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos
Edited and Commentary by Lauren K.

Women love labels, most men tend to avoid them.  I have heard thousands of stories concerning women wanting to know how the guy they've been romantically seeing feels about them.  They want to "Define the Relationship"  or (DTR) it as what's its referred to in the language of love.  We ask the DTR question to protect our hearts and to have an open and honest conversation.   We are insecure with the status because the other person isn't giving us the encouragement we are seeking.

With a little internet research, I've summarized some interesting responses:

• "Mostly because they want to know what their future holds. If I'm 25 and I just run with it and the relationship goes nowhere in 5 years, I'm 30 and my biological clock is ticking. Truth is, we only have so many years to find a mate if we want children. Now, if you don't want kids, then hey, run with it until you're 95."

• "Some women feel the subtle need to compare themselves to popular notions of what a relationship should be like.  It's mostly the media's fault, and many people are very impressionable, but I believe it's also a gender pressure that we men do not experience or understand. We can screw around with one or more girls and most people wouldn't really care, but a girl who sex with a guy who's not considered her boyfriend by others might be chastised by her peers."

• "Phrases like "run with something and see where it goes" often are "code words" for "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to feel bad about it" or "sleep with you, dump you, and go back to my wife" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to tell you I have herpes" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to talk, because all I really want is someone that isn't going to want to TALK, can't we just f---."   

• "It's called being honest about your motive, it's called clear communication, it's called getting something out in the open and up front, rather than hiding behind smarmy phrases like "romance is best when it is not negotiated and defined like a contract.  Call a gal "insecure" but those things are not really fun, and get really old after awhile. So when someone asks you about your intentions up front, it's actually "maturity" and "responsibility" and "wisdom" to be able to engage in those kinds of conversations. And likewise the aversion to those conversations, generally indicates a glaring and blatant lack of the aforementioned maturity, responsibility, and wisdom."

Lindsay and Lauren agree that each relationship progress differently, but we think after 1-3 months, there should be a conversation about where the relationship is heading.  A status check of some sort. Lauren says, sometimes it is understood that you are exclusive, and there is that defining moment when you are out with with your man and he runs into an old friend and he introduces you as his girlfriend. You never had to have this awkward conversation about seeing other people, but now it is out there in the open, and you suddenly are an official couple. There should be signs that you are progressing towards a true relationship.

Here are a few signs from Lauren that you are heading towards a relationship (without the DTR conversation):

1) He initiates making plans with you, more than the other way around. In the first couple of months, it should be an 80/20 rule, where the guy asks the girl out more than 80% of the time. This is just a general rule, but deviate as you see fit. Maybe he loves you taking the lead in making plans.

2) He introduces you to significant people in his circle of life; good friends, cousins, siblings, co-workers, and pets (Exception: the parents).

3) If he is big on facebook, you are definitely facebook friends and he has posted a picture of you. A change in relationship status, well, that is something that should occur after you DTR. (No one should put in a relationship before you have ok'd it with the person you are dating. Some people are really private and never want to post a relationship status unless they are married or at least engaged.)

4) He wants to meet your friends and get to know your world. If he only wants you to meet his friends and be on his turf, maybe he is not 100% committed to this relationship.

5) He talks about future events with you beyond the next 7 days. (I am not talking marriage or babies here). If you mention going to a concert a month out that you know he likes, and he says, I am not sure about my schedule. This is not a good sign. If he follows up with you about that date and says, that sounds great, retract what I just wrote.

6) He offers you a drawer for your stuff or a key to his apartment. Don't stress if you have not reached this milestone in the first few months.

Hmm! I think I will keep looking.

If it has been longer than 3 months and your still checking your online profile and dating other people, then you're clearly not interested ENOUGH in that person.  And that's okay!  You can feel happy with your choice and let that person move on, so they aren't wasting their time on someone who's just not into them enough.

If you are ready to move the relationship in a more serious direction, http://www.datenightmag.com/story/what-are-we-how-define-relationship-tactfully,  suggests saying the following DTR talk:

"I really like hanging out with you, but I want to be closer to one person, have a stronger connection and be exclusive. I’m starting to get attached and I’d be hurt if I knew you were getting as close with someone else as you are to me. But, if you don’t want that, I understand and I’ll move on."

“If he says, ‘I can’t do that right now,’ then she needs to say, ‘I respect your honesty, and I’ll miss you.’ She also needs to politely ask him to not continue calling and texting her like nothing has changed. I guarantee 9 out of 10 guys will call with a change of heart.”

In sum,  if you get some wishy-washy answer and don't get the answers you want to hear, then it's time to move on and find someone who will give the respect you deserve.    The truth is guys do not have the same biological clock time pressures that women do. They also do not have the same need for emotional intimacy at the beginning of a relationship. Many guys will coast with a girl they are only semi into for nearly six months before they pull the plug. Do you have the guts to ask? Or are you going to continue to sit in limbo waiting?

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