Sunday, March 13, 2011

He is Just Not that into You ... (FACE THE TRUTH)

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Written by Glamour Magazine
Commentary by Lauren of Love Kudos

Love Kudos' just blogged about a major source of tension that women have with dating, how men shy away from Defining the Relationship.

In continuation on this topic, here are some tips from Glamour to show you when a man is never going to commit to a relationship with you. (Lauren sometimes disagrees with the Glamour Love Gods. What do you think?)

He texted,
"I can't wait to see you tonight."
1. He texts instead of calls, or he texts more often than he calls. When a guy likes a girl, he wants to hear her voice. “Texting is not an easy way to communicate—it’s an easy way to avoid communication,” says Mike.

*Disagree – texting can be a way to stay connected without interruption of work, family and other things, etc. It can also be a personality preference or a generational difference. Guys under 30, have had access to dating with texting their entire adult life. They probably have never even had a land line in their house or apartment. If he NEVER calls, that can be a source of concern.

Marie Claire Magazine
2. He finds reasons to blow you off or be late more times than not. Maybe he’s just flaky or disorganized, you say? Don’t make excuses. If a guy likes you and wants to continue hanging out with you, he’ll find a way to do so. Adds Mike: “I’ll come in to work 1 hour early if I want to get off in time to pick up cooking ingredients for a dinner date with someone I like.”

*Agree - People lead busy lives and sometimes with much responsibility, but men will make a woman a priority if they see her as a long-term potential. However, if you’re throwing a fit because they had to stay late to help someone or break plans because of an unexpected friend in need, then it’s you that needs to take a look in the mirror and grow up.

3. He talks to his ex-girlfriends. Nothing makes a guy forget his ex like a girl he wants to be with. If he continues talking with an ex, that’s the first sign that he’s either not over a prior girlfriend or he’s just not that in to you.

*Agree and Disagree – If he is talking to an Ex-girlfriend, that is single, there is reason for concern. However, there are many guys that can have platonic relationships with their Ex's if they were the ones who ended the relationship and their Ex has moved on to a new relationship. It can be a bad sign or it can be no big deal depending on the unique circumstances. Stand back and evaluate before coming to a blanket conclusion.

4. He avoids introducing you to his friends. He should be proud of you, want to show you off, and want to include you in his life.

Agree – there comes a time when introductions are appropriate, but only when both feel like the relationship has reached a certain degree to do it. Once family is involved the layers of communication get a little more tricky. It’s nice to draw out that special private time, nothing wrong with that.

CASE STUDY from LAUREN: If the guy is truly sure about you, he will want to include you in his life as soon as you are ready. I once had a guy ask me to his birthday party for the following weekend on our first date. I was not certain about how I felt about him and wanted to figure out if I liked him first without any other people involved, so I respectfully declined. He later on agreed it was a good move, because the person who drove him that night, got wasted and in a fight with his latest fling. There was quite a bit of drama at the party that I definitely did not need to be privy to.

5. He avoids even minor instances of intimacy in public. “Listen, not all guys are comfortable with PDA. Not everyone likes to make out for the whole world to see. But when I really like someone, no matter what I’m generally comfortable doing, I’ll at least put my arm around her and give her a kiss on the cheek.”

AGREE - 100% My Ex-boyfriend said that all of his no PDA rules went out the window when he met me. I love showing affection, and being affectionate in public does not bother me, unless I am with family. We are not suggesting sucking face in public, but holding hands walking to and from events, should feel natural and not be forced.

6. He doesn’t use the pronoun “we” or use it in the future tense. If he talks about a great new restaurant he discovered, but doesn’t add, “We should go there sometime”—and maybe he just says “I go there a lot”—then he’s not interested in sharing things with you. Plus: “Guys who are into girls want to explore with them—not sit on the couch on every date,” says Mike.

AGREE and DISAGREE - Guys actually start talking about the future a lot at the beginning sometimes.  When they are enamoured with you at the beginning, they just don't have a filter. We should go here and there, but then later retract on too much future talking as things become more real and possibly, serious.

7. He doesn’t do something sweet for you at least once a week. That doesn’t mean he’s buying you a dozen roses but he should have said or done something that made you go “Aw!” in the last seven days. His love language may be “serving” and since he fixes your car or mows your lawn he thinks your love tank is filled for that week.

AGREE - If you need a specific type of affection to feel loved, communicate it, men are not mind readers. I personally like it when men compliment me on my physical attributes and notice when I change something up in my appearance. If they don't notice that I got a hair cut, it is not the end of the world, but I hope they notice that I look extra put together that day.

8. He doesn’t ask questions about your family and friends.

AGREE - 100% If he is not interested in your circle of life, he is thinking about you for the short-term.

9. He doesn’t initiate at least 80% of the things you do together. “I call this the 80/20 rule,” explains Mike. “When I don’t like a girl, the 80% drops significantly. I’m not even aware of it. I’ll get off the phone and never close the conversation with a set of plans.” Note that it doesn’t have to be exact plans, but it should at least be, “Let’s hang out later this week and we’ll do dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Disagree - Sometimes, the guy likes it when you initiate plans more often. However, if you are the one always initiating getting together, you should step back and see if he picks up the reins. It can be unhealthy when a relationship is completely unbalanced in any direction. If you have a lot going on in your life, you don't always need to include the guy you are dating with in all of your plans. A little independence is very attractive to men.

10. He doesn’t remember your one month anniversary.

Disagree – Are you kidding me? One month anniversary? Whoever wrote that is indeed immature. Glamour, who wrote this article? Are they a high school intern? Perhaps, a better test, is to ask if they remember where you had your first kiss or first date.

11. He hasn’t posted a picture of you together on Facebook within two months of the first date. Guys who are excited about you will post and tag your beautiful face!

Disagree – If he is not active on Facebook, you can obviously disregard #11. Facebook is for friends and family. One can be connected on Facebook, interested in each other and dating, without the Facebook stamp of relationship status or pictures. However, if they detag you in pictures that you post of you together, you would have to wonder why he is doing that. Is he hiding you from his other women or what's his deal?

So, in summary, I don't think you can list Glamour as the best Love guru out there.  I think they made some valid points, with a few caveats. What do you think?

Ask yourself, are you dating someone that sees an expiration date as to when your time together will end?

Please remember to share your commentary with Love Kudos. We are looking for MALE guest bloggers. We will do a free editing of your online profile and a photo session if you write two articles for us.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Interesting article and I totally agree with you comments but I'd also add this cuts both ways. Ladies: if you are doing the same things as above guys will get the message that the relationship doesn't matter. I've dated women that would repeatedly reaffirm her love for me then do nearly everything on the list. Needless to say the relationships didn't last, were tumultuous and draining. If you find yourself doing these things, reevaluate the relationship and recommit or end it

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