Internet Porn gave me an STD

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

Edited by Lauren K. with commentary

We all know that men are more visual than women. The numbers don't lie when they say the porn industry generates $10 billion to $14 billion a year in annual sales.  I'm not the type of person who seeks out porn, but I was conducting some Love Kudos' research on female orgasms.  All of a sudden, my AVG Anti-Virus alerted me that my computer was infected by a virus!   I didn't click on any downloads or watch any videos.  How is it possible that my poor Thinkpad had an STD? Was it curable?

Recently, a Love Kudos fan approached me with a question that even made me blush a little. It was not exactly this scenario below, but pretty close to it.

Q & A:

Reader: I'm having difficulty with my boyfriend of eight months. He seems to have a fascination with pornography. I have caught him accessing it on my computer and have asked him to stop. After catching him again, he finally did—on my computer anyway. Now he disconnects my computer and hooks his up to my internet connection to access porn. He has no idea that I know of his sneakiness, and I'm not real sure how to bring it up without making him feel trapped. We already have problems of trust as I recently found out that he was unfaithful to me in the beginning of the relationship. I'm afraid of it happening again and think that his fascination with pornography could lead him to unfaithfulness again. Should I be concerned about this? Or am I just being insecure?

Hara Estroff Marano answers her question in Psychology Today:
 
"Yes, and yes. I'm glad you asked, because you could be Exhibit A in Not Handling the Matter Wisely. Do you really think that interests or needs disappear by being banned?  I don't know where you got the idea that viewing porn will lead to infidelity. Some people think just the opposite, that it fosters fidelity. I don't suppose I need to draw pictures for you, but most men have some kind of interest in porn. It is a fact that the male brain is particularly responsive to and stimulated by visual imagery. Males frequently use visual images as an aid to masturbation.

Now, that is what we call CHEATING!

Some people think that any form of viewing porn is cheating or a sign of moral weakness. Many women dislike porn because it objectifies women, but your objections do not seem to arise from such classic feminist concerns. Frankly, it doesn't sound as if porn is the real problem, but rather, your fear that that your boyfriend will be unfaithful. That, apparently, is not an unreasonable fear, given his history. Pornography, however, doesn't make men unfaithful; it's most often an aid to solo sex. Are you afraid your boyfriend will find some other woman more attractive than you? Perhaps you unreasonably see every act of which you are not a part as an act of infidelity.

Why don't you address directly your concern that he might be unfaithful? That is the way good relationships are built—by addressing concerns, not displacing them onto peripheral matters. What you really need is some sense of his actual commitment to you. For that, you need to open your eyes and observe his behavior—how kind and considerate he is to you, how much of an investment of time he is making in the relationship, indications that he factors the relationship into future plans.

As for the porn, here's one constructive way to think about it, or any other element in your life: Does his interest in porn ever take precedence over his interest in you or in any way come at the expense of the relationship? When it begins to substitute for a human relationship, that's when it's time to worry. But until then, forbidding anything only makes it more desirable. Yes, it does reflect insecurity to see his interest in porn as a sign of your lack of desirability. 

Sexual Fantasy ... You want to play nurse?

If you really want to have a good, real relationship with your boyfriend, you could use his interest in pornographic images as a starting point for a conversation about his sexual fantasies. When two people can conduct that kind of conversation, they have a real intimacy. You might want to know what kinds of things he likes to look at and why—because he might have sexual interests that could be satisfied in the relationship that are not now being met. That's a very different kind of conversation than one condemning him as sneaky, one that builds trust between two people.

On the contrary, here's what Dr. Phil believes:

 Dr. Phil
girlstalkinsmack.com

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.

Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.

Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

Love Kudos Thoughts and Advice

Lindsay believes that you should do what ever makes you happy.  If you are uncomfortable watching porn with your boyfriend, while he loves it, then maybe you guys aren't a match after all.  Sex is a big portion of our lives and of a relationship, so if you're not into the same things, then you might have to move on (and should.) As far as online profiles, I would avoid any talk about sex, fantasies, and wait for the conversation.

Lauren feels that porn can have a place in a relationship, but it should not be some dirty little secret kept from each other. This simply creates a lack of trust and suspicious behavior that can be linked to offline activities. I actually was very supportive of my Ex-boyfriend watching porn on DVDs, but it bothered me slightly when I went on his computer one time and saw a browser window open with a pornography video paused with some very graphic images displayed. It was around this time that he started using his old computer exclusively for porn and nicknamed it the "bozoputer." Well, this way I did not have to see "it" and he did not put his new laptop at risk for viruses. I concur that men are extremely visual when it comes to sexual stimulation, and in long distance relationships, sometimes a Skype conference call is just not sufficient. I would rather a guy turn to adult pornography than seek contact with other females on or offline. Masturbation in excess is never good, but in moderation, I fully endorse it for both men and women. Cheers to the rabbit!

Lauren's commentary continued: Another male reader thinks a guy in a relationship should not be relying on porn to satisfy himself sexually. Exposure to too much pornography can negatively impact the relationship by decreasing one's ability to be attracted to their girlfriend. Being overstimulated from porn can reduce one's ability to interact properly with real women. During masturbation, creating your own fantasies from your thoughts is healthier than submitting to a contrived movie with virtual characters.

I disagree with Dr. Phil 100% that giving into porn is infidelity. Porn can even be something that is shared in the relationship. I found it pretty comical in "The Kids are All Right," when Annette Benning and Julianne Moore, a lesbian couple, get it on while watching a male gay porn video. I am not sure if this is typical, but I definitely think it can spice up the relationship. Personally, I like to see things live, up close and personal.

What are your thoughts when it comes to porn and relationships?  Is this a form of cheating or not? Write LKx2

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